Blade Of A Knife
by Sakuchii
Summary: With a blade of knife and slashing minds we're dancing on bare foot. With a blade of knife and acerbic words still we're not falling down. Our soles complete soaked in blood, our hearts so numb… Is it really worth of this all? I keep reflecting it endlessly. Endou x Natsumi. Warning: OOCness. Angst, Drama, Romance


A/N: Well hellowa Mina-san! I'm back... with something... not so happy. I have my own reasons for this story, but hopefully you guys can enjoy it even a little bit. I have to warn about OOC for both Endou and Natsumi... especially Endou. And well, I do not own anything! The song is finnish song Veitsenterällä by Johanna Kurkela; translated by me.

* * *

**Blade Of A Knife  
**_our soles complete soaked in blood,_  
_our hearts so numb…_

* * *

_In the morning I wish it would be evening  
so that I could keep on sleeping_

* * *

A young feminine figure turned around in the bed and buried her head on the pillow. She slowly opened her beautiful auburn colored eyes while pulling her curly hair behind her ear so that it wouldn't be in her way.

Seeing the other side of the double bed empty, Natsumi sighed loudly and stood up to sat on the bed. She slid her hand on the bumpy and rough bed slowly flowing back to the big and warm bed. Her arm suddenly encountered with warmness left by the person who had lied on it and by this she knew that Endou hadn't left long ago.

Enjoying few more minutes in the warmness of the bed, Natsumi then used all of her strength to get herself up. She didn't want to wake up; the woman thought as she let the blanket drop on the floor and then picked it up.

Closing her eyes slowly, she brought the blanket closer to her face and sniffed it gently. It smelled like him. He was so big part of her life already that it wouldn't be easy to leave him just like that. She liked it, yet she hated it.

Taking off her pajama, Natsumi walked to the mirror and was terrified by her own mirror image. The slender body with typical curves of female body, was covered in different size bluish and purple bruises that overlapped each other. The woman brought her hand to her neck which was all brown from the numerous scars and hickies. At last she looked down at her wrists and stared at the four fresh knife wounds that cut her artery.

The auburn haired woman's face darkened and she once more turned to look at her rotten figure. She didn't understand why was this happening? Why had she allowed him to hurt her? Why she got so desperate that she ended up hurting herself.

Natsumi reached her hands towards the mirror and tried to smile, but it was no use. All of a sudden the power from her legs disappeared and the woman lost her balance, falling down. Natsumi squeezed her fists as her hair covered her tired looking face. She didn't want this… She didn't want to end up killing herself.

* * *

_The worries feel so frustrating  
Where do I get my darkest thoughts from?_

* * *

Natsumi cried. Tears rolling down her cheeks she put on her clothes and cried. She didn't know what had brought her into that situation, but it was no use backing down from it anymore. She just had to bear it, she just had to take what it all brought to her.

When she was in full clothing, Natsumi once again stared at her figure. This time it was slightly better. The clothes covered her bruises and the scarf on her neck made the scars invisible. The auburn haired woman smiled lightly and then brushed her hair.

She was alright, nothing was wrong with her… or with their relationship with Endou. No one could tell that her body was actually completely rotten, in a state that she would have to go to hospital.

Natsumi closed her eyes, it was alright. Other than her anorectic body and pale face with dark bags under her eyes, she looked like a normal stable and happy woman.

No one should know the secret. She would never tell anyone what was really happening when she was alone with Endou. It was only between them.

Natsumi sighed in desperation. It had been a long time since she had met any of her friends. It had been a long time since she had wore something else than a long sleeved shirt and a scarf. She was scared, she was scared that someone would realize the truth.

That was something she wouldn't be able to take. Even though sometimes she had wished that it would be better to tell about it to someone, but in the end she had remained silent. This was all for the better…

* * *

_Why do I feel like I feel?  
Why is it like this?  
Is this all because I don't want to endure it anymore?_

* * *

"I'm home," Natsumi heard Endou's voice when the man opened the front door. The woman who was currently cooking dinner walked from the kitchen to greet her husband.

"Welcome home, Mamoru." the woman smiled happily. A fake smile; she had learned to use it whenever dealing with her husband. Endou glanced at the woman with dark gaze and then his eyes met with the scarf that she was wearing around her neck.

"Take that off now, haven't I told you not to cover your neck when you're inside," the man told with cold tone and walked past Natsumi. The woman was about say something to her husband but he turned her around and took hold of her scarf while staring right into her eyes. "Or do you want me to make another scar?"

Natsumis eyes widened when she saw Endou's smug smirk and she immediately draw her hand to her neck and took off the scarf, revealing the brown colored scars. Endou patted his wife's head and then kissed her scars. "That's more like it," he then walked away, leaving Natsumi to swallow her tears while looking at his back.

She hated this, she didn't want him to act so distant to her. Everything had been alright before their marriage, but then Endou suddenly started to use violence against her. It all started with a light bruises, but after few times his desires grew stronger and he started to scar her body.

She tried to resist with all of her mind and body, but he was too strong. She couldn't refuse him when he stared at her with those amazingly beautiful dark brown-colored eyes. She would have never imagined that her husband was such sadist… and chauvinist.

"Come on, is the dinner ready yet?" Natsumi heard Endou's pierce voice shouting from the living room and her heart skipped a beat from the startle. She quickly dried the tips of her eyes and pulled herself together. After all they needed to enjoy their dinner soon.

* * *

_With a blade of knife  
and slashing minds  
we're dancing on bare foot_

* * *

When the dinner was over, Endou stood up from his seat without saying anything to his wife. Natsumi stared at Endou going and then sighed depressed while placing her sticks next to her unfinished meal. It was always like this.

They ate dinner without saying anything to each other and Endou always left before she had finished her meal. He acted as if there was a thick wall between them. They were together, but still they were apart. Natsumi wasn't able to continue her meal after Endou had left. And because of that she had lost more than ten kilograms in just few months. But Endou didn't seem to have noticed that.

Natsumi took her plates away and watched them. She then slowly walked to the living room where Endou was and took careful but detemined steps towards her husband. "Ne- Mamoru," Natsumi called for her husband, feeling her throat drying as she tried to say aloud his name.

She froze in terror when Endou slowly turned his head to her and glared at him with murderous look. He looked like she had just interrupted something extremely important. "What is it, _Natsumi_." Endou's voice cut through Natsumi, especially the way he had said her name. Never had she heard him so angry.

"I just…" the auburn haired woman lowered her head weakly and then turned to look at her husband while her whole body was shaking. "I just wanted to ask… would it be okay if I go outside tomorrow… I want meet with my father." she could finally say aloud her thoughts and felt her legs betraying her any moment soon. Hopefully things would go end up well.

Endou stared at Natsumi without saying anything. He could see that the woman was under his pressure and he wanted to enjoy that moment little longer. He then stood up from the couch and walked to his woman, taking hold of her wrist while drawing his body closer to her.

"No you cannot. I won't allow anyone to see you." the man then whispered while smirking and let go of Natsumi's hand. The auburn haired woman gulped loudly and then glanced at her husband. Endou's eyes widened a little when he saw her eyes shining because of the tears in the corner of her eyes.

"Why…?" she could make out. The woman bit her lip, swallowing her tears. "Why?" she once more could say, this time with more power and courage. Endou stared at her, waiting for the woman to continue. "I haven't left the house for half a year already! Just because I'm yours it doesn't mean you can shut me off if you want. I have my own will and I want some freedom!"

* * *

_With a blade of knife_  
_and acerbic words_  
_still we're not falling down_

* * *

After Natsumi had spilled her heart out, Endou slowly closed his eyes and lowered his head so that a shadow was casted over his face. "Is that all you want to say?" he asked, making Natsumi to back off while her eyes widened. She didn't want to believe it! She didn't want to know what would come next.

Endou saw that his wife was getting further away from him and quickly took hold of Natsumi's hand while pulling her to him. He then wrapped his free hand around her waist and quietly whispered.

"Who do you think you are? You're my wife and I decide who are you going see and who not." he squeezed her wrist so hard that she had to do her best not to cry aloud. The man then pressed his lips on her neck and sucked it, leaving his mark on her body.

The brunette stopped only when he felt the female body trembling non-stop against his as Natsumi held up her tears and cries. Endou smirked, drying the tears of his wife and then softly kissed her, comforting the crying woman.

* * *

_our soles complete soaked in blood,_  
_our hearts so numb…_

* * *

Natsumi was speechless. It had been a long time since she had kissed Endou. It had been such a long time since he had kissed her so gently. The feeling of their connected lips, she was almost getting drunk by it. She had forgotten it. She had forgotten just how amazing this feeling was.

Slowly closing her eyes, Natsumi enjoyed the kiss with her husband. When the man finally stopped, she was about to embrace him, but was suddenly push against the wall. The auburn haired woman turned her eyes to her husband and gasped when they met with his empty dark brown ones.

"I guess…" Endou whispered while pushing his hand under Natsumi clothes. The woman shook her head as tears filled her eyes. She didn't want this… Just as things were going for the better, he just had to turn into that _monster!_

She didn't want Endou to hurt her. She didn't want to think bad of him either, but there was nothing she could do to stop him. He was too powerful. "… You can meet with your father…" Natsumi heard Endou's faint voice saying beneath all her cries and screams.

"What?" the woman asked when she finally realized his words. She turned look at Endou, which was a mistake. The man took hold of her neck and pushed their lips together forcing his tongue into her mouth while his other hand groped her lower body.

Natsumi tried to resist him, but as she struggled against him, her body was rapidly getting weaker. She felt as her whole body slowly went numb and the man had complete control over her. When Endou noticed that the woman wasn't resisting him anymore he broke the kiss and smirked.

"But first, I need to leave my marks on you." He smirked, but Natsumi couldn't hear him anymore. Her mind had already went blank and she felt nothing that he was doing to her.

* * *

_Is it really worth of this all?  
I keep reflecting it endlessly_

* * *

Natsumi slowly opened her eyes, and realized that she was sleeping in a bed. She turned her head to left and saw Endou sleeping soundly next to her. She quietly stood up, making sure that she wouldn't wake up her husband and walked to the mirror.

Taking off her clothes she scanned her body from head to toes, searching for the new marks that he had done this time. She was surprised to find one near her hip and the other one was just above her chest. Her neck and chest were completely filled with new different sized hickies. Natsumi sighed, falling down on the floor as her knees betrayed her.

She couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want him to use her body as a tool to please his desires. She didn't want their relationship to be something like that. She wanted him to love her, just like she loved him from the bottom of her heart. She wanted everything return back to the way it used be.

But she knew that wouldn't happen. There was no ways to turn Endou back to the soccer loving idiot. She wouldn't be able to see his honest smile ever again. There was absolutely nothing she could do to save him.

Natsumi sobbed few times and stared at her reflection. Was it really worth of it? Should she really be enduring all that Endou was doing to her, so that she even ended up hurting herself in the action. She didn't want it! She needed to escape!

* * *

_When I'm away, I wish I would be here_  
_So that I could say it,_

* * *

On the next day, the auburn haired woman dressed up in her full clothing, covering her arms, legs and neck completely, so that her father wouldn't see all the bruises and scars that covered her body. She then reached her hand towards the doors knob and while exhaling she opened the front door with determined look in her face.

She was scared to go outside; the auburn haired woman closed her eyes when the sun light hit her body. She was amazed by how her skin was actually white like a snow. No wonder, she hadn't stepped out of the house for months.

"It's great to see you again, Natsumi." the auburn haired woman smiled and sat down before her father. They stared at each other without saying anything only ordered their food when the maid came. "You want something?" Raimon asked from his daughter and Natsumi shook her head as an answer. She knew that Endou wouldn't like if he found out that she had eaten something outside the house. She was already glad enough that he had given her permission to meet with her father.

"So, how are things going with you and Endou? You look little tired…" Natsumi heard her father first asking and then stated. The young woman looked at her father with surprised look and then closed her eyes.

"We're doing fine. Endou is working and I'm at home." she answered avoiding her fathers' last sentence. She didn't want him to worry about her. She really wanted to tell him the truth about Endou abusing her and all, but on the other hand she was afraid. She didn't want Endou to start hating her and she didn't want to be separated from him.

Or so she thought. Maybe it would be for the best if she told Endou that they should get divorced. It would help her a lot and maybe it was the best for Endou too. Natsumi gulped loudly and glanced at her father. If she wanted to get divorce with Endou she needed her father to support her.

"Father I…"

* * *

_How on one centimeter thick ice,_  
_in terror, I'm skating with you_

* * *

Natsumi opened the front door and stepped in. She raised her head in surprise when she was greeted by the cheerful voice of her husband. "Welcome back! How was the meeting with your father?" Endou shove his head from the living room, where he was munching crisps while watching a movie.

Natsumi took of the scarf, revealing her bruised neck and then walked to her husband. "It was really nice. I thank you for giving me the permission." she smiled kindly and Endou reached his hand towards her. Natsumi stopped and stared at him, as the man gently caressed her cheek.

Her face darkened and she took a step away from Endou, so that his hand couldn't reach her anymore. She then looked at the ground and Endou narrowed his eyebrows. Her silence would only mean that she wanted something.

Natsumi kept silent. She cursed herself for being such a coward that she hadn't even managed to tell the truth to her father. She had just smiled at him and told that she was glad to be able to meet with him.

But she wanted out. She wanted to be freed from Endou. She didn't want him to hurt her anymore than he had already. She loved him, but he didn't answer to her feelings. Their feelings had been so different for a long time already.

"Endou I…"

* * *

_But when that moment arrives_  
_I mute my voice._

* * *

After her words, Natsumi looked up and opened her eyes. They widened in shock when meeting up with Endou's shining dark brown ones. She averted their glance and gulped loudly. She had to say it! She had be freed from him. Natsumi once more looked at her husband, who was waiting for her words just like a little puppy.

Natsumi fell down on her knees and sobbed. Endou reacted to this and stood up in panic. "Oi, are you okay?" he asked, dashing to check if his wife was alright. The auburn haired woman cried aloud and took hold of Endou's hands.

She couldn't do it. She couldn't say to him that she wanted a divorce. She didn't want to get separated from him. She wanted to be with him. Natsumi sniffed few times and laid her head on Endou's chest.

* * *

_The desire to be with you wins,_  
_driving away the pain._

* * *

Endou stared at his wife in surprise. He hadn't expected her to suddenly act like this. He couldn't believe that she still drove near him even after all the awful things that he had done to her. He wanted to stop it, but he couldn't. It was as if something was controlling him every single time he hurt Natsumi.

Feeling the warmth of his wife on his chest, Endou couldn't help but to smile. He slowly caressed Natsumi's head and pulled his finger through her beautiful and curly hair. He loved her, she had been always so beautiful and even now she was the most beautiful woman he had ever met.

"Endou I…" Endou suddenly heard Natsumi whispering as the woman took hold of his hands and raised her head to look at him. "Mamoru… I love you." the brunettes eyes widened when he heard the words he hadn't hear for years. When was the last time she had told him she loved him… When was the last time he had told that to her?

The man closed his eyes without saying anything and exhaled.

* * *

_With a blade of knife, cautiously_  
_Still, I would change nothing_

* * *

Natsumi knew that she had made a huge mistake by saying those words. She knew that Endou hated sweet talking and couldn't stand that particular sentence at all. Ever since he had raged at her for saying those words and beaten her up so that she hadn't been able to stand up from the bed for weeks, Natsumi had sealed those words away. He lips had never spoken them again, not till this day.

The auburn haired woman waited in fear. She knew that he would probably have yet another attack and beat her up, but she would take that. This time she wanted to be honest with her feelings and would take the consequences head on.

Natsumi closed her eyes, waiting for the hit that would come, but she was completely taken aback when the brunette suddenly wrapped his arms around her and embraced her gently. Natsumi opened her eyes and saw Endou smiling at her with a cheery smile on his face.

"Natsumi, I love you too." the man told and Natsumi felt tears filling up her eyes. How much she had missed those words coming from him. How much she had wanted to hear them. She loved him, Natsumi was sure of it. No matter what Endou did to her, she would still love him.

Natsumi smiled kindly at her husband and gently pressed her lips against his. She then embraced Endou and closed her eyes, enjoying his warmth. She wanted him, and that fact wouldn't change. But she also feared him.

She feared just what would happen in the future. She feared what would Endou do to her. Would he still use violence against her, she didn't know. But all that didn't matter, since at the moment she only wanted to enjoy the warmth of her husband whom she loved.

* * *

_I want to go this till the end_  
_fearing and wanting._

* * *

A/N: I have no idea why I wrote this depressing story. But I hope that you would leave a review. ~


End file.
